He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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