Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
