someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
