Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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