shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
