i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You ate ashes out of my bong
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
