I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
