it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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