Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
