I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
