thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.