My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
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I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
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I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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