I accidentally burped into my bong.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
