I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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