i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
