Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
