I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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