I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
