Plan B is the new Plan A
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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