So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
