Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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