you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
