I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
