She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I fill condoms, not promises.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
