if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
