so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
