dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
