nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
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He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
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and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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