Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
