Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
