I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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