I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
