Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
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What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
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I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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