after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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