just tell him i said nine months
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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