what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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