We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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