Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
