I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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