I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
