I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Semen is not good for contacts.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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