we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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