Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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