bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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