I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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