i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
