i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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