I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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