3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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