Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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