he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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