I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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